I pray that imitating Colin Firth in The King’s Speech is just a temporary thing…”F-F-F-Fanco is s-s-so h-h-hot.”

“The cleaning lady canceled! Okay, go to Youtube and look for a video on how to use a washing machine.” Remember LOTS of bleach.

“Wait, when it’s a hardcover it’s a novel and when it’s floppy it’s just a book?” All you need to know is it’s available on tape.

“I can’t believe I checked out a homeless guy and even thought about giving him a dollar!” The cup I was holding HAD COFFEE IN IT!

“Shit fucks! I pocket dialed my gyno while I was hooking up with Ryan!” Look on the bright side, I bet he’ll see you tomorrow now.