Dear Girls Above Me,

“Ahhhhhh!” What? “Ahhhhhh! What? “Ahhhhhh!” What!? “Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce!” Thanks for wasting my whats.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“How do I spell ‘nude costumes’? Nevermind, I know. Actually, is there a–Oh, I got it. No I don’t.” I’m picturing: nood customs.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“She’s dressing up as a pumpkin? JUST a pumpkin!? So shady, I don’t trust this bitch.” Agreed, never trust something not slutty.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“I don’t care how big his cock is, Claire, he still uses Myspace!” But an average size penis on Facebook is okay, right? Phew.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“Can a hypnotist cure me from eating too many almonds except for on the weekends?” I’d focus on the impulsive one-night stands.