“Why are people so upset about a Jonas brother being on the cover of Rolling Stone?” Because their last album bombed.
“I’m so jittery from this 5-Hour Energy drink! How long is this thing supposed to last?!” 300 minutes.
“Mom, how are you not hearing me?! I forgot to send dad flowers because THERE’S A NEW KARDASHIAN!” Happy Father’s Day, Kanye.
“Right before he did it he said ‘I don’t mind getting throat cancer’ and it was the hottest thing ever!” Cancer is the new dirty talk.
“I’m all for celebrating those who serve but remember how awful that one waiter was at Cheesecake Factory?” Happy Memorial Day.