Dear Girls Above Me,

“Why are they honeymooning in the South of France? Don’t a bunch of birds go there for the winter?” Only the really snooty ones.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“My mom let me pronounce Chanel ‘channel’ for like an entire year. I’ll never forgive her.” That’s it, I’m calling social services.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“Cathy, talk to me! I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t pee, knowing you’re mad at me.” Don’t let Cathy mess with urinary system.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“This ‘State of the Union Address’ is totally taking over our TV! Does that mean no TMZ today?” How dare they not play YOUR news.

Dear Girls Above Me,

(phone) “Don’t throw him out! That stuffed animal gave me my first orgasm…Sorry dad, you needed to understand.” No he didn’t.