Dear Girls Above Me,

“I’ll meet you at the party, I ate way too much cauliflower and need to let out gas for awhile.” Hold on, let me cancel my plans.

Dear Girls Above Me,

Typical Sunday afternoon: watching football on mute while listening to you guys sing You’re Beautiful by James Blunt to each other.

Dear Girls Above Me,

I changed my wireless name from ‘JonStamosCondo’ to ‘GerardButlerPad.’ “Do you think he bought it from Stamos? Hottest sale ever!”

Dear Girls Above Me,

I don’t normally weigh in on your fights, but “whose hypothetical older brother would be hotter” is serious stuff. Sorry Claire.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“She JUST won a Golden Globe, why the hell is Natalie Portman doing ads for tampons?” No Strings Attached is a movie.