Charlie covering his ears
Two annoying girls moved into the apartment above me.
I'm forced to hear every dumb thing they say.
These are my letters to them.


“Why are they honeymooning in the South of France? Don’t a bunch of birds go there for the winter?” Only the really snooty ones.

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  1. christymarie says:

    I would LOVE to be one of those really snooty birds.

  2. Charlie McDowell says:

    I wish humans migrated to places like that.

  3. Charlie McDowell says:

    The girls in 4th grade: Teacher: “Every winter birds migrate to…the South of France.”

  4. Fliss says:

    Damn birds, I’d love to go to France right now :)

  5. Anna says:

    ….I just don’t understand them. I really don’t. Do they honestly think birds from all over the world fly to FRANCE?

  6. Alana says:

    *face palm*

  7. CharlotteBewlowYou says:

    Oui, but would that be an African or European Swallow?

    • Lonely Girl says:

      Ah yes, but what’s the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow, whatever continent it is from?

    • A Knight Who Says NI says:

      The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

    • Maeve says:

      Oh my God, thank you for posting that!

      What is the air speed velocity of a swallow? –What? An African swallow, or a European swallow?

      hahaha best movie ever.

  8. Noir says:

    I’m a long time reader, but this is my first time posting a comment. I felt that statement was just too inane to ignore. I wonder if they say things like this in public? That would be awesome if they did.

    • Alicia says:

      Welcome to the club, first-time-commentator.

    • Charlie McDowell says:

      Welcome to the family.

      • KimeeFace says:

        I feel lame for never having been ‘officially’ welcomed to the family. Should I try harder?

      • Charlie McDowell says:

        Yes, time to step up your game.

      • Alicia says:

        I feel the same way. I kind of just intruded and started rhyming.

      • Somewhatcreepyobservationmaker says:

        This is probably one of the creepiest observations ever, but… You live in LA. You have a large “family” of random people who think you’re the best thing since sliced bread. Conclusion? You’re like a not evil, considerably less insane, innocent, geeky Internet version of Charles Manson with a les… Um… “interesting” past. The readers are your family.. Muaha

      • KimeeFace says:

        If we readers are the members of the family, would that make the DGAM like Sharon Tate? It’s like we’re murdering them and eating their unborn babies…but with our words. And poems.

  9. Maren says:

    Their stupidity level just raised the roof….

  10. AmyD says:

    I didn’t think you could be that dumb and still be able to walk and breathe at the same time!

  11. Fermata says:

    Hi everyone, I’m another long time reader and first time commenter. I would have posted sooner if I didn’t have midterms :P I love this blog and it always gives me a laugh.

  12. Maggie says:

    I live in southwestern France right now. Nope, not a lot of birds. Damn, these girls ruined my day. Got my bird hopes all up.

  13. Sarah says:

    At least they know that some birds migrate

  14. Lisa says:

    I’m starting to become concerned that they may have some sort of deteriorative condition. It could be contagious-you may want to wear a hazmat suit Charlie.

  15. Mariposa Betsy says:

    Hahaha, not only would Charlie be known as the creepy guy with the huge beard who flashes them a goofy grin whenever they cross paths in the apartment building, but he would also now be wearing a hazmat suit! *high-fives Charlie!* This just made my day =D

  16. lauren(: says:

    i didnt know your parents were famous until i read someones comment on here.. i just knew you from this(: well i just wanted to say congrats(: you not only made a name for yourself (rather than being known as your parents son) but youre known for youre hysterical website that many people (including me) look forward to reading…

    • Charlie McDowell says:

      Thanks, Lauren. My mom has an Oscar. I have a creepy website. I don’t see a difference.

      • Maria says:

        and i have…a failing geometry grade.):

      • Caelaa says:


      • Santana says:

        Oh don’t worry Charlie, I get the feeling you’ll be getting a T.V. show soon enough. And as far as websites go, I’m sure it will be WAY funnier then Shit My Dad Says. If Jersey Shore proved anything, it’s that people LOVE stupidity.. and tans.

      • Leila says:

        Do the girls have big poufy hair? Cause if they do, then I think you have a recipe for success.

  17. Louisa says:

    It makes me wonder if they know where France even is…

    • Lequia says:

      I’m pretty sure they do know where it is–one of them wants a pair of Louboutins.

      • Louisa says:

        I’m sure they probably think Louboutin is italian or something, I can imagine Europe being a bit hazy for them :)

    • KimeeFace says:

      I could imagine them assuming that France was Russia’s neighbor and that they were both chillin’ with Australia. On the Continent of Africa.

  18. Prosopagnosia says:

    They probably don’t even know where France is.

  19. Taylor says:

    haha these never fail to make my day better :)

  20. africanandeuropeanswallow says:

    I want to know what their teachers thought of them.

    • Prosopagnosia says:

      Probably something along the lines of:
      *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk* *facepalm* *headdesk*

  21. notforyou says:

    Charlie, what do you do all day? You live in Cali, right? If you do, it means you post things in the middle of the day, so why are you and the girls above you not at work?

  22. MrsNolte says:

    Thank goodness I don’t live in the south of France. I have an irrational fear of all things winged.

  23. Cygnuswomyn says:

    If I knew their address I would send them the DVD’s for Hitchcock’s The Birds and Last Tango in Paris.

  24. Emily says:

    Oh Charlie..

  25. Katherine says:

    Why would a bunch of birds put of a honeymoon? It’s FRANCE!

  26. Alyssa says:

    I think it’d be fun to take Claire and Cathy snipe hunting. :)

  27. Kelly says:

    Charlie, my birthday was on Saturday, but this post makes up for it(:

  28. The Raisin Girl says:

    Oh my God. You have made my life. I was certain people this stupid only existed in teen movies.

  29. Jordan says:

    This totally made me forget about my farting in class during a silent test.. And how this girl that likes the same guy came to school wearing the same velour as me.. Or anything that happened today.

  30. Emm:) says:

    well, Charlie, this beats all i’ve ever seen. But at least they got the south part right.

  31. Sofa says:

    Oh, goodness… *facepalm*

  32. Sarah says:

    Today’s my mommy’s birthdayyy haha

  33. Sara says:

    I bet they didn’t get the joke on “Dumb and Dumber” when Jim Carrey’s character says something about the “salmon of Capistrano…”

  34. Liz says:

    I’ve posted a time or two before, only in response to other comments, so this is my first stand-alone comment. Just thought I’d say hi to all you commentators and let you know that I appreciate your humor. It adds a lot to an already hilarious website.

    • HHS says:

      HI! :)
      By the way, I noticed that you time says 7:35 pm, but where I live, it’s only 6:27 pm. This makes you from the future. (And yes, I know you’re not from the future and that it’s just a different time zone…BUT it’s way cooler if we all pretend that you are from the future.) :)

      • HHS says:

        ACK! My post is also from the future!

        (by the way, I love your name, Charlie.) <- Just saying. :)

      • Emory says:

        perhaps this website’s time is set for the time on the west coast, since Charlie lives in LA? …I just noticed all the posts from here on are from the future, and I’m in California…So that theory was wrong…

    • Charlie McDowell says:

      Solid stand alone post. Welcome.

  35. Jenn says:

    I’m picturing some pretty fantastic snooty birds. Like a cross between the flamingos from Fantasia and the cast of Gossip Girl.

  36. Alicia says:

    Anyone can tell at a glance,
    That you two aren’t the brightest.
    No, birds do not migrate to France,
    But you two don’t know the slightest.
    I’ve given up hope that you’ll ever learn,
    The chances are very slim.
    You have to want it, you have to yearn,
    And your candle is really quite dim.

  37. Jake says:

    You know, this is slightly off topic, but I have always wanted a pet penguin. You really can’t get snootier fowl than the ones in the arctic for they wear formal wear to all occasions.

    • Taylor(: says:

      Who WOULDN’T want a pet penguin..

    • Tobia says:

      That reminds me of the time when i had a pet penguin…. i bought him in a small market shop in india in the town of orumanayur. He looked really hot and exaughsted, and i felt sorta bad for him, so i bought him. The man who i bought him from said the penguin’s name was timmy and he was from coronation island, which i still am not sure if that was true, but whatever. Well, anywho, timmy spent a week with me touring india before i could get him somewhere safe and he was most of that time chillin’ out in a cooler i brought; i thought he’d be most comfortable in there, and he seemed fairly pleased with the coolness. I’d let him out once in a while so he would have a chance to streach his legs and whatnot, and after a week of trying to keep him alive and comfortable, i finally got him to Canada where i tried to find the best home for him. Now, i believe, timmy is hanging out with some other penguins in some zoo in alberta, healthy, happy, and alive :)
      anyways, i forgot the point of this story… so….

    • Becca says:

      This conversation reminded me of this:

  38. Taylor(: says:

    Bahahaha. Made me laugh.
    First time commenting, but been a reader for ever(: I feel like I’m sitting with you listening to their conversations.
    Anyways, I realized I started this comment off by saying bahaha. Which makes me seem like a sheep. I am not a sheep.(:

  39. Insertnamehere says:

    This fucking website sucks!!

  40. caitilou:) says:

    Older people who live up north during the summer & move down south for the winter are called “snow birds”… i’m really hoping that that this gem stemmed from confusion of that fact, and not just confusion from life in general..

  41. bribri says:

    charlie i feel like people are just trying to get you to welcome them to the comments, because more and more people keep mentioning “long time reader first time commentor”

    • Marilyn says:

      Hey Charlie, long time reader, fifth time commenter, though I’ve only more recently came into this precious position. I might savor it for a while by not posting… we shall see.

  42. heidi says:

    The other day, a girl asked me if there were guns in WWI. I immediately suspected that this girl was related to Claire or Cathy.

  43. Fliss says:

    Once a girl at school thought there were two mount Everests, one in New Zealand…. Stupid girl. She also wrote a poem which said “Tennis is a mennis( her spelling here), I love tennis” Haha. Some people are very stupid.

  44. bagged milk says:

    I wonder about their thoughts on Canada.

    • Lily says:

      That’s an interesting name.

      • bagged milk says:

        I would tell you more about Canada and bagged milk but I have a large headache.

      • Juxtapose says:

        aw come on lol
        i never knew canadians drank milk out of bags

      • Anna Recsik says:

        Bagged milk.

        Well, this is how it is.

        First, you go to the grocery store.

        Then you look at milk, and you’re like “this looks good.” (I’m a 1% woman myself, anything higher makes me feel like I’m drinking cream, which I have no problem with except that I’ll feel gross drinking cream everyday. Skim milk tastes like water. I’ve gotten in many fights on the interwebz over my hatred of skim.)

        You take that milk home. Then you rip the outer bag off.

        Then you put it in a milk bag carrier. These range in all different patterns and colors. This is the moment for every Canadian to truly express themselves. My milk carrier has a cow on it.

        (that’s not mine, nor is that my child.)

        I’m speaking for all Canadians when I say the worst thing to ever happen to you in your whole life is going to get some milk from the fridge only to see that someone got milk before you and emptied the bag but didn’t replace it.

        How does the milk get in the bags?

        The bag is actually the bladder of a cow which is where the milk comes from. When a cow dies of old age, NEVER BY DISEASE, they harvest the bladder delicately, as to not break the liner and spill the milk inside.

        Alternate Sources

        During the holiday season, Canadian yearn for an alternative to regular milk from a cow.

        The Great Albino Moose of Canada appears during the week before Christmas and has never been spotted at any other time. It has been sighted all over Canada from Toronto to Tokyo to Vancouver. Obviously, this is a one of a kind creature so we don’t harvest its bladder. Rather, this moose lactates through its sweat glands.

        The highest honor in Canada is the job, always given to a Mountie, of riding the Great Albino Moose of Canada around the Tundra, kick starting its sweat glands. After the moose is worked up, we gently sponge its precious milk-sweat which is then served at high-brow Christmas parties around Canada.

        That is how milk in Canada works. Too bad I’m not Canadian.


      • Jake says:

        I bet milk keeps longer in bags

  45. bagged milk says:

    lol. we actually don’t drink bagged milk in alberta.
    so i wouldn’t know tbh.

  46. Newbie says:

    I’m new to the site, only been on here twice(: and this is my first comment!
    I really wished penguins migrated, but due to their lack of flight and need for cold.. they do not. :(

  47. Newbie says:

    It’s illegal to fart in Milwani, Africa. Just thought I’d let you know…

    • Jake says:

      This…. I dunno, you have to be one of the most awesome first commentators ever. Not only did you contribute to the conversation about penguins with a lament of the nonmigratory nature of penguins, but you have added what might be the most random, hilarious comment I have ever seen. I welcome you to the comment section, newbie, and bestow 9,000 internet points to you.

  48. Bee says:

    Hahahaha! Some birds go south for the winter, so these girls interpreted that as “south of France”? LOL

  49. Katie says:

    I have been reading this website for a very long time (and have been laughing out loud at each post) but have never commented. I just have to say that your posts are absolutely hysterical, and they basically make my day every day :)

  50. Welcome to the Family says:

    We see long-time readers, first-time commentors and haters
    Some people just get jealous when they can’t be Charlie-daters
    We see happy kids and lonely girls from all over the world
    Some people fell in love with this after finding it while bored
    There’s merriment and poetry with a shared smile or laugh each day
    Where a cult has grown a new family has been known to chat and play
    There’s a need to grab attention from the king of this new land
    Where fun is made of the foolish girls that live above the man

  51. Maeve says:

    hahaha! I love this site. I have only recently come across it, and I absolutely adore it! Thanks Charlie for making me laugh every time I read a post! =)

  52. ChelsLynn says:

    Wow. Now I feel better about people who look at prices on the products where and ask “How much is this?”

    I’m betting Cathy and Claire are girls who do that all the time.

  53. ChelsLynn says:

    opps, Where I work — just to clarify

  54. Andrea says:

    I don’t get it….

  55. Andrea says:

    I don’t get it

  56. Orchid says:

    Hilarious!!! I just wished I were a snootybird so I could go back there!! It’s been too long!
    I love the posts, Charlie!

  57. Yup! New ideas are what have worked best for me too….

  58. LV Handbags says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I decided to congratulate you for the nice work you’ve done….

  59. This is a really eye opening point….

  60. shared this on twitter thanks…



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