Thanks for leaving on the DVD menu to ’27 Dresses’ while you’re out of town. I’ve been meaning to listen to that loop 5,473 times.

“I love Thanksgiving food so much, but I’m not gonna lie, I’m afraid of the poo that comes after it.” QUIETLY let your fears go.

I know you “like seriously love black people movies,” but that doesn’t make you “practically besties with Precious.”

“Guys actually circle jerk? Can you imagine if girls were like, come on over and we’ll all touch ourselves.” Yes, I can imagine.

I’m sorry you’re still coughing, but that’s what happens when you bet each other you can’t “breathe and swallow” at the same time.