“We have a major situation on our hands: He’s ungoogleable! I don’t date anyone I can’t stalk first.” Thank God we’re not dating.

I just don’t relate to my family anymore. Miss you guys. Merry Christmas.

“Holy Kardashian! The world is seriously coming to an end, there are TWO rainbows outside!” Seems like a pretty gay way to go out.

Thanks to your itunes playlist, I hummed Taylor Swift’s Mine at a football party. They only let me drink “light” beer.

“So I missed that eclipse thingy last night. I’ll just catch it next year.” The previous solstice lunar eclipse occurred in 1638.