“Cathy, talk to me! I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t pee, knowing you’re mad at me.” Don’t let Cathy mess with urinary system.

“This ‘State of the Union Address’ is totally taking over our TV! Does that mean no TMZ today?” How dare they not play YOUR news.

(phone) “Don’t throw him out! That stuffed animal gave me my first orgasm…Sorry dad, you needed to understand.” No he didn’t.

“I’ll meet you at the party, I ate way too much cauliflower and need to let out gas for awhile.” Hold on, let me cancel my plans.

Typical Sunday afternoon: watching football on mute while listening to you guys sing You’re Beautiful by James Blunt to each other.