I know you’re going crazy but stop Googling “someone who kills birds, Los Angeles.” Try replacing the battery in your smoke alarm.

“I knew Kevin was in love with me when he said it was ok to pop his back zits.” Did I just hear the opening to your wedding vows?

“He’s obviously gay, Claire. He texted you in the morning from a place called Peep Boys. Come on!” Shot in the dark, PEP BOYS?

“Why are they honeymooning in the South of France? Don’t a bunch of birds go there for the winter?” Only the really snooty ones.

“My mom let me pronounce Chanel ‘channel’ for like an entire year. I’ll never forgive her.” That’s it, I’m calling social services.