“I got a ticket for text driving and I have to go to court! Sorry I’m so popular, asshole.” I think you just mounted your case.

“The psychic said I’ll marry a redhead! I can’t have fire crotch kids!” I think their pubes will be the least of their problems.

“I just had such an OMG moment. This guy on the street lifted his cheek and let out the loudest fart!” It was meant to be silent!

“My version of white water rafting is to down a bottle of chardonnay.” My version of white water rafting is white water rafting.

“I had to leave the gym early to detag a photo Jess posted of me where I look fat!” Maybe if you worked out more…