05
“It’s Shark Week AND the gays can finally get married?! Best. Week. Ever.” I’m glad you got your priorities in order.
04
“The worst part about these stupid antibiotics is I can’t have any alcohol. I’d rather die.” I’d rather be on stupid antibiotics.
03
Ladies, your casserole went in the oven at 7:40, it’s now 8:24 and smells like–“CATHY, the–the thingy’s on fire!” Never mind.
02
“I swipe checked him and he was way smaller than I expected.” Since when does penis size and grocery store terminology coexist?
30
“What?! Why didn’t you tell me I had lipstick on my teeth the entire night!?” Probably cause she’s trying to fuck the same guy.