“Her wedding is in Costa Rica?! Wait, don’t Americans get kidnapped in Mexico all the time?” Good thing you’re not going there.

“Is that an ash cloud?”  Just a cloud.  “Ooo, ash cloud?”  Just a different cloud.  “Ash cloud!”  THERE ARE NO ASH CLOUDS IN LA!

“Oprah, come back!!! What do we do now?” Get a job. “Start watching The View?” Get a job. “Dr. Phil?” Get a– Okay fine, Dr. Phil.

“What if the world actually did end and we’re painting our nails in heaven right now?” Then I’m the devil sitting on a toilet.

“No joke, I’m never drinking again–Wait, is Jen’s party tonight?! Next week I’m never drinking again.” A quote from every Friday.