“Oprah, come back!!! What do we do now?” Get a job. “Start watching The View?” Get a job. “Dr. Phil?” Get a– Okay fine, Dr. Phil.

“What if the world actually did end and we’re painting our nails in heaven right now?” Then I’m the devil sitting on a toilet.

“No joke, I’m never drinking again–Wait, is Jen’s party tonight?! Next week I’m never drinking again.” A quote from every Friday.

“Wait, so does the myth apply to dogs as well?” It sure does.

“Arnold wouldn’t be in this situation if he had his maid hasta la vista the baby.” Instead he said, “I’ll be back…in ten years.”