Dear Girls Above Me,

“Jen went down on Tom while he played a video game. Gross!” Was it Mario Kart? That would be the Nintendo equivalent to road head.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“Should we throw Caitlin’s bachelorette party here?” Ya sure, I’ve always wanted to go to one of those.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“What oil spill? I thought I heard there was a flood somewhere.” Current events must feel like a Rubik’s Cube to you.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“Who do you think has the biggest dick on the Lakers?” Can’t you just be quiet and let me enjoy this win–definitely Ron Artest.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“You can’t really hate on Cruella de Vil just because she wants a fab coat.” Thank God I have a pug…who has fleas…stay away.