“Did you hear that all these kids were rescued in Chile after being trapped in some mountain?” Miners, not minors.

“I watched a special on conjoined twins and all I could think about was karate chopping them to freedom.” You should be a doctor.

“Shut up! Saddam Hussein is dead? I thought that’s who we’ve been looking for in those caves?” You’re thinking of Fred Flintstone.

“I found out he’s taking me to a 3D movie! If the glasses aren’t cute I will literally die.” Just focus on not making out with air.

“My mom said I like foreigners cause they barely talk. She’s just jealous Italian men love me.” Jersey Shore guys don’t count.