“Women always complain about getting older, but I’m totally excited for my MILF years.” So are your future son’s friends.

“I wish I had hotter addictions like heroin and cocaine. Nasal spray isn’t sexy enough.” Don’t underestimate medicated nose water.

“How is it election day? I just voted for Obama 2 years ago!” Next thing you know they’ll even forget to put his name on the ballot.

“Should we Hyde Teddy’s Green Door or go to My House?” I felt bad for Teddy until I realized you were talking about night clubs.

“It’s racist to wear black face paint on Halloween? We gotta rethink our Oprah and Gayle costumes.” Just say you’re Snooki and Jwoww.