“You wanna know what’s worse than a mushy banana?” Let me guess, an uncircumcised– “An uncircumcised penis.” I know you so well.

“I’m officially banning men from the apartment! He left the toilet seat up and I almost fell in.” She’s lying, I heard a splash.

“Oh my God, read this Missed Connection! I’m almost positive I was at this gas station!” There’s more than one Chevron.

“I set my clock the wrong way and was two hours early for my waxing appointment!” At least your pubes got an extra hour of sleep.

“My little brother just called to find out the exact location of a girl’s G-Spot. He’s so cute!” Replace cute with VERY CREEPY.