Throwing a Cinco de Mayo “partaay” over the weekend means you’re just getting drunk on a Saturday. Regardless, Happy Ocho de Mayo!

I got really excited when you yelled, “I spilled the beans,” thinking I would get some juicy gossip, but all I heard was a vacuum.

“I wish my bad date could’ve been in dog years so it ended faster.” Im so thankful your lease is in human years.

Tonight’s my “GAM listening social.” Im like a proud dad going to his daughter’s first violin recital. Dont fuck this up for me.

Just as a friendly reminder, Im pretty sure you guys are both due for a “vajayjay wax”. God, Im such a good neighbor.