Don’t you ever wonder what I’m up to during one of your parties?

Have you started talking in your sleep or just REALLY needed to have a 2:14 AM conversation about “Suri Cruise’s cute top”?

I heard a scream, so I started to dial 9-1–“OMG, does pubic hair turn gray as you get older?!” (pause)1–I didnt know the answer.

“I’m calling now cause I’ll be hungover on Sunday, Happy Mother’s Day!” I just tried this with my mom & she hung up on me.

“He told me his dad’s gay, what was I supposed to say?!” Not “I’m sorry.”