Dear Girls Above Me,

“Guys actually circle jerk? Can you imagine if girls were like, come on over and we’ll all touch ourselves.” Yes, I can imagine.

Dear Girls Above Me,

I’m sorry you’re still coughing, but that’s what happens when you bet each other you can’t “breathe and swallow” at the same time.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“A full head of hair, obvi. Chest hair, not so much. Back hair, vom-inos pizza.” I’m confused, did you just order pizza?

Dear Girls Above Me,

“This is the only year in like forever I haven’t sent myself flowers.” And Republicans say that ‘change’ hasn’t happened yet.

Dear Girls Above Me,

“The hairy guy downstairs is crying to Armageddon again.” Well then YOU tell HBO to stop replaying it! And P.S. I trimmed my beard!