“Guys actually circle jerk? Can you imagine if girls were like, come on over and we’ll all touch ourselves.” Yes, I can imagine.

I’m sorry you’re still coughing, but that’s what happens when you bet each other you can’t “breathe and swallow” at the same time.

“A full head of hair, obvi. Chest hair, not so much. Back hair, vom-inos pizza.” I’m confused, did you just order pizza?

“This is the only year in like forever I haven’t sent myself flowers.” And Republicans say that ‘change’ hasn’t happened yet.

“The hairy guy downstairs is crying to Armageddon again.” Well then YOU tell HBO to stop replaying it! And P.S. I trimmed my beard!