“I’m calling now cause I’ll be hungover on Sunday, Happy Mother’s Day!” I just tried this with my mom & she hung up on me.

“He told me his dad’s gay, what was I supposed to say?!” Not “I’m sorry.”

Throwing a Cinco de Mayo “partaay” over the weekend means you’re just getting drunk on a Saturday. Regardless, Happy Ocho de Mayo!

I got really excited when you yelled, “I spilled the beans,” thinking I would get some juicy gossip, but all I heard was a vacuum.

“I wish my bad date could’ve been in dog years so it ended faster.” Im so thankful your lease is in human years.