“I had the shittiest day, all I wanna do is get wasted.” I remember you saying the same thing last week when having the best day.

Time to discuss the elephant in the room. My dog does NOT look like a “Bowling Ball.” Also, dont look for an elephant in the room.

“I look fat in my photo light ticket! Why is the camera at such an unflattering angle?” I think you’re missing the point here.

Yes, that was another earthquake. Yes, a coincidence it was on Easter. Yes, your cell will work. No, don’t buy those Prada heels.

“This website says a sex offender lives on our street! We’re SO moving.” I never thought I’d thank you, Gregory Newman.