“I set my clock the wrong way and was two hours early for my waxing appointment!” At least your pubes got an extra hour of sleep.

“My little brother just called to find out the exact location of a girl’s G-Spot. He’s so cute!” Replace cute with VERY CREEPY.

“Women always complain about getting older, but I’m totally excited for my MILF years.” So are your future son’s friends.

“I wish I had hotter addictions like heroin and cocaine. Nasal spray isn’t sexy enough.” Don’t underestimate medicated nose water.

“How is it election day? I just voted for Obama 2 years ago!” Next thing you know they’ll even forget to put his name on the ballot.