“NO WAY, Kate set off a metal detector from her pesci piercing!?” Great, now I can only picture Joe Pesci when I see a vagina.

“Flush after you asparagus pee, Claire! I almost vomed all over the bathroom.” Don’t worry, I just “vomed” for all of us.

My real estate agent just called to tell me that this blog may depreciate the value of my condo. I told her to go sell a house.

“Here’s the plan for tonight: we stay in, drink red wine, and do kegel exercises.” Let me know if you guys need a spotter.

“Someone told me if you don’t sign your bill at a restaurant the meal’s free. We need to do this!” I’ll get your bail money ready.