“Why are they honeymooning in the South of France? Don’t a bunch of birds go there for the winter?” Only the really snooty ones.

“My mom let me pronounce Chanel ‘channel’ for like an entire year. I’ll never forgive her.” That’s it, I’m calling social services.

“Cathy, talk to me! I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t pee, knowing you’re mad at me.” Don’t let Cathy mess with urinary system.

“This ‘State of the Union Address’ is totally taking over our TV! Does that mean no TMZ today?” How dare they not play YOUR news.

(phone) “Don’t throw him out! That stuffed animal gave me my first orgasm…Sorry dad, you needed to understand.” No he didn’t.